Women, know your place: 10 things I’m learning as a woman in business

With it being international women’s day I thought it appropriate to write some things I’ve discovered since working independently from a female perspective. Because the business world has traditionally been tailored to men, women can often face very different challenges. Of course it should not be down to one gender to change years of inequality, but recognising what that’s meant for us and how we overcome day to day hurdles is important.

I have always struggled with binaries, I think gender is becoming an increasingly challenging topic (and for the right reasons). We have all experienced toxic masculinity and femininity and it’s important to keep the conversation going and be realistic about what traits come naturally to us and which have been conditioned. Here are some lessons that I’ve learned (many of which I’m still learning!) since promoting and selling my work as a woman.

1/ Stop seeking permission

Most of us have probably been questioned at some point in our careers. Whenever I found myself in situations where technical or practical knowledge was needed it was often assumed I needed explanation how to do things. In previous work scenarios, I would put myself up for tasks and the response was often ‘are you sure you can do that?’ That question has been something that has remained in my head ever since – despite knowing I’m capable, it still comes as standard. The most freeing thing about being your own boss is removing the barrier to opportunities, but it can sometimes feel as though you still need someone’s tick of approval or confirmation that you’re good enough. The first time i had the opportunity to speak at an event, for example, that question came into my head: ‘are you sure you can do this?’. And the honest answer was no. I wasn’t sure I would be good enough but the only way to find out was to try. I also needed to stop waiting to be asked to do things I wanted to do. Have something to say? Stop waiting to be asked. Want to write a book? Stop waiting to be commissioned. Write a bloody book.

2/ Speak up

And on that note, it’s hard to speak up if everything has always signalled to you that you should just sit and look pretty or do as you’re told. It always surprises me how often people tell me I’m ‘outspoken’ just for voicing an opinion. The unfortunate reality is that the majority of business leaders and decision makers are still men instead of a more equal balance. This can feed into a subtle conditioning of even well-meaning people – I’ve often been ignored in group settings by people who I know would be mortified if they had realised their subconscious bias to listen to other men over me. That’s not to say I’m always right, but that each voice matters. It can be difficult to point out without seeming confrontational, especially when many are well intentioned. By all means be confrontational, but let’s get into the habit of saying what we need to say again, louder (of course, this is a lot easier when we have other people in the room who will back us up!). If someone repeats what you’ve just said as their own idea, don’t just let it slip by, say something like: ‘yes, great. That’s exactly what I said so we’re obviously on the same page.’ Take up space – lean forward. And if the conditioned doubt creeps in when giving your opinion or advice you could say something like: ‘I think I know the solution, would you be happy to for me to try something?’ Even if you’re still ignored, keep going. Find people who can support you. Don’t give up.

God, it’s exhausting. Isn’t it?

3/ Stop trying to please

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to assert yourself, people carry on ignoring your skills. These people are, quite frankly, dicks. If you can, remove yourself from the role, contract or relationship. Find people who respect you. It’s a sad fact that a lot of people (men and women) play on those who are prone to people-pleasing. Come on ladies, you know that’s us. From day one you’ve been taught to do as you’re told, get good grades, be compliant, put on your make up... Sometimes you need to say no and be prepared to disappoint people or be less likeable (ouch, I know). You do not owe everybody a response or explanation. You do not have to answer every email if it’s taking you away from your essential tasks. You do not have to be polite to people who are rude to you. You do not have to endlessly give of yourself. If a client or boss is asking you to go above and beyond what was originally agreed, learn to respect yourself enough to stand your ground however you see fit. That might be referring to project terms and explaining again what was included in the price. It might be simply expressing you feel uncomfortable about doing something. You don’t need to give extensive explanations for your decisions, it’s perfectly fine to say you’re busy or you’re not interested, thank you. (I still put a thank you at the end. Maybe they’ll still like me?!).

4/ Take yourself seriously

I’ve realised that the best way to counteract being a people pleaser is to take myself seriously. The more I realise I deserve to use my time for things that are beneficial to me, the less inclined I am to respond to everything that lands in my inbox. Is this request taking me away from my schedule? My family? My well-being? Make time to assess what’s important to you and if the requests don’t fit in then sack them off. I know you’ve always been taught to put others above yourself but I’m asking you to see yourself as equal. You are not below anyone else. If you choose to help someone this is not bringing you to a lower position, it is empowering someone else to have what you have. Giving should be empowering, not depleting.

5/ Don’t take yourself too seriously

But didn’t you just say...? I know, I constantly flit between not taking myself seriously enough and taking myself too seriously. Relate? One minute you’re not charging enough or standing your ground and the next you’re stressing over what to write in your bio or which profile picture to select. Again, we’ve been taught to take the way we present ourselves very seriously from day dot - what are we wearing? How is our hair? Are we smiling? Unlearning all that stuff takes years. I’m still not there yet, but it feels much freer to know that those things don’t matter as much to me now. It’s fine to select an image that you think will promote you, but not if it’s eating up endless headspace sourcing it. Invest your time in better. Likewise, your knowledge is helpful and should be voiced, but don’t get hung up on trying to get people to buy into everything you preach or, again, approve of it. Enjoy what you do and confidently promote it but don’t buy into the trap of having to get a certain level of recognition for it to gain affirmation. Learn which things to take seriously and which to hold lightly. Be open to finding the funny side of awkward moments (seriously, I could write a book).

6/ Watch your language, for fuck’s sake

No, not the profanities. I mean, think about the language you use to present yourself or sell your work. Instead of saying things like: ‘I just wondered if there were any opportunities to work with you at all?’ Say something like: ‘I think my work would be of interest to you...” And as much as it pains me, taking out all my enthusiastic exclamation marks has helped. I will say though, that I absolutely do not think we should change or filter our personalities in order to get ahead, but there is a difference between being enthusiastic about a job and wanting something so badly that it means you give too much of yourself away too soon. In the past I’ve sounded so eager that I put myself in a compromised position – I essentially gave someone power to ask me to work for very little or input too much. What we need is mutual respect – we need people to partner with. Watch your language with other women too – are you labelling women who command high fees as ‘divas’? Are you quick to label women who don’t settle for second best as ‘snobs’? Men would not be labelled these things for the same reasons. Be careful too not to subtly put yourself down without realising. I’m sometimes guilty of saying something negative of work I'm proud of just so no one can label me one of the former. I’m learning to say I’m proud of my work or that I work hard with no disclaimers. Resist the urge to put yourself down. Seriously shut the fuck up and watch your language ;)

7/ Support other women

I’ve worked for some horribly bitchy women. Looking back I was young and showed potential – and because promotion for women is much harder to come by, I now understand why some women feel threatened by others. The problem with this is that it creates further barriers for more women and perpetuates the issue of inequality. We need to be recognising one another’s skills and promoting each other so that ears prick up and opportunities are given. There’s room for all of us, and by offering support it means that the next generation of women can approach the world of work with confidence. And yes, they could be your boss one day, treat them kindly. If you witness another women getting sidelined, bring her into the centre, edify and speak up for her. If you hear a comment about another woman that is based on stereotypes, call it out. Have no time for gossip and putting other women down.

8/ Don’t compare

It can feel a bit like we’re all fighting to be seen. I think this has always been a problem for women but this has become more of a challenge for everyone since the rise of social media. There are so many people who want to put across their opinions or work or ways of living. There are so many Instagram accounts portraying perfect lives and careers that we have now got a much wider pool of people to compare with. We’re now made to feel that women can ‘have it all’ but the reality is that’s not the case. I myself have struggled to be taken seriously when I speak about my children - it’s been assumed my work is a sideline so I can work from home, or that my husband is the breadwinner. These stereotypes are hard to overcome and the reality is it’s both hard to prove you are capable as a parent and professional while being honest about the day to day challenges and sacrifices you have to make. We need to be kinder to ourselves and each other. Yes I want to encourage women to have the confidence to go after what they want in life. No, I don’t want to put ridiculous expectations on them to have it all. Support women who juggle work and family – no one questions men for the same things. Support women who don’t want children – no one questions men for the same things. Think carefully before you compare one another’s lives. We need grace from one another to allow for challenges and support each other in them without judgement, until the world evolves to be a more equal place.

9/ Trust your knowledge

Statistically men are much more likely to apply for jobs or opportunities they’re not qualified for. Women tend to aim lower (perhaps so we don’t disappoint on our people-pleasing mission?). I think both types of ego are wrong – we should be looking realistically at our skills and where they fit. Yes, sometimes that will mean applying for things where our skills fit 80% of the time, but we can be confident we have a lot to offer. We’re not in the business of bigging ourselves up for things we can’t do, but we do need to give ourselves credit where it’s due. As well as qualifications, what practical skills have you acquired? Whether that’s managing accounts or managing households, scheduling meetings or family events, keeping a business afloat or a family well fed. As well as your professional expertise don’t take for granted everything else you offer. I speak specifically to women who’ve had children here: don’t let anyone ever lessen what you contribute to society and the incredible resilience you have had to learn. You have not had ‘time out’ from your career you have invested in valuable skills (and people!). When I went back to work after my first baby I found I was completing work in record time, simply because I had become accustomed to fitting tasks into nap times and multitasking chores. I found I wanted to give more of myself to work because it was ‘my’ time and I realised that life was too short to invest in work that I could not give my all to.

10/ Cultivate confidence

Many positive changes start by small steps. What daily habits can you incorporate that can build your confidence? Is it dedicating 30 minutes a day to learning a new skill? Is it committing to calling out negative labels you give yourself and instead recognising your achievements? Is it signing up for something you’re not sure you can do? Over the past few years I’ve started things I had no idea I could finish. I’ve given myself permission to make mistakes. The act of signing up or starting something (and speaking it out to others) has meant i’m more than likely complete the task or learn new things on the way. Start changing your lifestyle to respect yourself and build your confidence. Give yourself permission to start things and even fail at them. Sometimes just starting is enough to open a world of possibility.